Along with defining myself as a student, a writer, and a positivity enthusiast, I consider myself organized. If you ask the significant people in my life, I think they would tend to agree.
I spend my days reading, writing, and planning. I pride myself on organization, from alphabetizing the books on my shelves by author, to planning out my life goals meticulously. With the help of my bullet journal, I keep my everyday life on a schedule, always make a to-do list (and usually stick to it), and color-code every event in my neat and detailed calendar.
As my roommates can attest to, I would plan out each aspect of my life right now if I could, from where I will be in five years, to how many kids I want, to what classes I will take for the remainder of college. And yes, I could take hours planning out each possible class for every semester, and I would be entertained and satisfied, even though I have done just that countless times before.
This knack for organization is something I am thankful for as it keeps me right on track. My passion for it has also introduced me to the world of bullet journaling, something that has brought me much joy and peace for almost two years now. However, this obsession for organization can make things difficult, especially when something changes.
Any tiny change in a plan will make my skin crawl. I always want everything to be planned, so when it does not turn out, I overreact to it, and I find myself obsessing about that change.
I think most people do not struggle with this problem, and I sometimes wish I had a “go-with-the-flow” personality, especially when I feel anxiety towards the change.
This is not an anxiety for change in general; I think change is fun, and there is always some way to improve life in general (especially changing the world into a kinder place), but I hate when plans are rearranged, and I have to adjust to this.
Many people are set in their ways, and while this may seem as overreacting, I think I have finally deciphered this behavior of mine.
My anxiety seems to stem from my fear of the unknown, and I have a real problem with changing my plans, even when it is something minor. I do not understand why it bothers me, but I cannot stand waking up in the morning and not having my day planned out to a tee.
I think that, along with my personal life, I take issue with changing my writing, even if I know it is for the better, or even changing the look of this website (but I do like it a lot better now). I always plan out so much of my writing to begin with, and when minor things change, whether it be in the plot or the characters, my skin begins to crawl with discomfort.
For example, in my seemingly never-ending plight of finishing my novella, I have begun to adjust some details in my plot and my protagonist. Even though I feel this will make my writing better, my anxiety spikes when I think about changing it.
I guess I am afraid that I will somehow ruin my story or that the unknown will cause a setback in my goals.
I realize that my gut-wrenching dread is irrational, but I think it intensifies the very real fear I have of never becoming a published author. That alone keeps me up at night. And while I think I will always have that fear until I see my first book on a Barnes and Noble shelf, I think that fear is necessary to achieve my goals, otherwise I might never do it.
So here is to embracing the fear! I guess I need to be better at adjusting my plans and goals, but at least it has the potential to keep me on the right track.